Compliment &

Cuddle

Roosh V

© 2011 by Roosh V

http://www.rooshv.com

All rights reserved.

Printed in the United States of America.

CONTENTS

I INTRODUCTION

1

II INTERNAL GAME

5

III EARLY GAME

10

IV MIDDLE GAME

19

V LATE GAME

27

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I

INTRODUCTION

In May of 2010 I realized that I had serious problems when I banged yet another girl only two hours after meeting her. A life of casual sex was making me a mere shell of a man, increasingly incapable of real human emotions like caring, empathy, and most importantly, true love. I had become nothing more than a machine for thrusting its hips into women of varying shapes, sizes, and colors—a mindless animal driven solely by the prospect of sexual adventures. It was time to make a big change.

For the next month I thought back to my college days, when three lovely girls let me be their friends. They gave me permission to help them with their studies, buy them small food items from the cafeteria, compliment their beauty, and most importantly, cuddle. There was no sex between me and those three girls, but there was meaning and true connection. They told me about all their desires, their ambitious career goals, their life problems, and the men they were dating who treated them like trash. Looking back, the relationships I had with those strong women brought me to within an inch of happiness bliss, yet I let it go to fuck dozens and dozens and dozens of women, with nothing to show for it but stories of wild sex and STD scares.

I decided to change gears and adopt a new game based on complimenting and cuddling. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you how much happier I am today.

Sure, I have seen a 99% decrease in sexual activity, but just like investing in the stock market, time is needed to see rewards. Sometimes a lot of time. I’m super confident that a firm commitment to complimenting and cuddling will 1

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give me all the sex I want when a great girl comes to the decision that I’m her best option and not Mike from the club who doesn’t have the decency to text her back in a timely manner.

Unfortunately, I’ve created a lot of damage with my fuck guide Bang, an evil resource that has sold thousands of copies across the world. It has irrevocably changed men from complimenting cuddlers to pump-and-dumpers. God, please forgive me for this great sin I’ve committed against mankind! I don’t even want to estimate how many girls have had their vaginas ravaged and abused by men who weren’t completely sincere in their affections. I’ve made the world a worse place, but while there’s absolutely nothing I can do to erase the damage caused upon god’s magnificent feminine creatures, I can control what I do from this point on. Therefore, I’m pulling Bang off of the market. The contents of that book will no longer enable men to crush the flowery petals of the glorious Western female.

I feel like I’ve come a long way since embracing my human side and can barely recognize the sexually active man I once was. There’s an easy test to discover if you’re also a true human being instead of an automaton: do you uncontrollably sob while watching The Notebook? I rented it last month and nearly choked on my tears. If you watch The Notebook and don’t cry your fucking eyes out, you’re not a real man, period.

A real man is not one who fucks a lot of beautiful women with the mini-mal amount of effort just to get fleeting pleasure of an orgasm that shoots semen all over a girl’s body or face, or even one who “plays the field” to ensure getting his nut for the night. No, a real man harnesses his sensitive emotions to prevent harming another soul. If every man on Earth wanted to just fuck, either in their home country or abroad, what type of world would that create? It’d be a sad, sick world, and I don’t want to be a part of it anymore. It’s no accident that my Netflix queue is now filled with movies such as How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, Runaway Bride, The Bridges Of Madison County, and Brokeback Mountain. Different man, different movie interests.

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INTRODUCTION

Six Steps To Re-Education

Renouncing my past and crying my eyes out during quality movies only brought me halfway toward redemption. To complete the process, I had to perform a six-step re-education program, which I also recommend for you.

It’s simple and won’t take more than a couple months.

Step One: Admit that you’re powerless over a woman. There’s no tactic or strategy that you can use to defeat that power, and if god didn’t want women to be the stronger of the sexes, he wouldn’t have given their vagina a lock while leaving your penis with a faulty key. You must consider women to be the supreme beings in your life.

Step Two: Only a woman can make you realize your true manly potential. It’s definitely true that behind every great man is a strong woman, pushing him to reach his potential with friendly reminders to change his underwear or not to leave little hairs on a bar of soap. Since it’s possible that your strong woman will be too busy with her innovative paper-shuffling job at work, you’ll probably need to hire a maid to do things like scrub the toilets and polish the wooden Ikea furniture.

Step Three: Make the decision to hand over your love to a woman. Let her hold it, stroke it, and hopefully not take advantage of the sweet vulner-ability that you’re displaying by crushing it with all her might. When giving her a promise or engagement ring, one that’s the most expensive you can afford, feel free to verbalize this exchange by saying, “I’m now giving you my love.”

Step Four: Make a list of all the wrongs you’ve done to women. It took me about forty hours to make that list, and it was actually longer than the guide you’re reading right now (shame on me). I didn’t realize how many women I had wronged by sticking my penis inside their vaginas, only to never contact them again. With all the pain I’ve caused, I rightfully deserve to be compared to horrible people who’ve caused great suffering in the world, like Stalin or Fergie.

Step Five: Contact all the women you’ve hurt and apologize profusely, then ask them to tell you everything wrong with you in two minutes of 3

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continuous criticism. Push the phone against your ear hard enough that there’s physical pain to coincide with the emotional pain you’re hearing.

Once she’s done with the two minutes of hate, offer to take her to dinner. I was surprised not only at how many women took me up on my dinner offer, even though I previously destroyed their soul, but also at how much of a dent it caused to my savings account.

Step Six: Make a prayer to god, asking him to relieve you of your horrible deficiencies, because only an invisible omnipotent being in the sky has the power to improve your situation in love. A common saying in the Muslim culture is “God willing,” a helpful mindset that allows us to sit on our hands and play video games all day until god decides to send us a quality woman

After you complete these six steps, you’ll be ready to learn the true game—Compliment & Cuddle game.

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II

INTERNAL GAME

A common argument that shallow game guys use to justify their behavior is evolution. They say that evolution determines the laws of attraction, that evolution has created women who want jerks, that evolution this and evolution that. I say hogwash!

Evolutionary Justifications Are Bullshit Do you really think we’re the same breed of human being that existed 2,000 years ago? Do you really think we have the same needs they had? Of course not. Today’s human is more cultured, more compassionate, and more intelligent. We’re no longer brutes who drag women by the hair into a moldy cave. We’re not strong warriors with black dirt under our fingernails that women fawn over due to having qualities such as strength and power.

Today’s human female is more pleasing to the eye (assuming she’s not morbidly obese) and is invariably more sweet smelling, thanks to a modern company called Bath & Body Works. She’s more gentle, plays fewer petty games, and shaves her legs once every two days during the summer. Even men shave their chest hair now, so when you mouth off about how women want the alpha warrior of the past, all I have to do is point to the chest of the man sitting next to you to prove how wrong you are. The rules have changed so greatly that using evolution as a justification for what women want is like 5

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saying we should go back to family farming instead of using modern corporate methods with the cancer-causing chemicals and genetically modified seeds.

A common argument that game guys use is that girls want confident men.

Let me be the first to say that confidence is overrated. Maybe girls wanted confidence in the past, but today’s woman wants a guy she can mold and control. Only by giving women what they want—upfront and with no strings attached—can we get what we want (love and real intimacy). It’s much better to approach a girl as a blank slate than as a finished man product that could offend her modern sensibilities or make her think you just want to use her for sex. So many guys lose out on complimenting and cuddling just because their confidence scares a girl into thinking that she won’t be able to wrap him around her cute little finger.

The game guys also go on and on about alpha males and beta males, as if there are only two types of men in the world. They say that to sleep with a lot of girls you have to be an alpha male, but have you personally seen an alpha in public with his head comfortably nestled in the lap of a cute but not-too-pretty girl? I haven’t. Only beta males can experience this type of joy, while an alpha acts nonchalant and smug with his girl, even checking out other women in her presence. Many times I’ve seen the pain on the face of a girl who couldn’t quite control her man, telling me in so many words that it would just be a matter of time until the unloving relationship comes to a fiery end in the man’s favor.

The alpha/beta phenomenon is what happens when you combine evolu-tionist mating theory with simple-minded sex automatons who don’t see women as the intricate beings they really are. Game guys think if you act in a certain way—aloof, for example—that all of a sudden a woman will be attracted and have sexual thoughts. That is totally incorrect. Only with repeated nonsexual and friendly exposure to a woman can you be seen as a potential long-term mate.

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INTERNAL GAME

Put The Pussy On The Pedestal

For those of you who have been bamboozled by game guys, let me help erase the damage they’ve caused and share the correct mindset for awesome complimenting and cuddling. First, put the pussy on the pedestal—as high as you possibly can. After all, she’s the supreme being whose life is more important than yours in every way. Her satisfaction and happiness super-sedes yours, and you must check yourself before you wreck yourself every minute you’re with her to make sure that she’s enjoying the fruits of life more than you are. If she’s at all irritable or whiny, it’s because you’re doing something wrong. You must then do what it takes to please her so her beautiful smile and charming personality reveals itself once again. Here’s a helpful hint: always sacrifice what you want so she gets what she wants first.

An easy way to put the pussy on the pedestal is to fantasize about the girl you desire for at least twenty minutes every night before you go to bed. This accomplishes two things. First, it increases the chance you’ll have sweet dreams about her, like going on an innocent afternoon picnic, saving her from a life-threatening situation where she sees you as a hero, or beating up a man who grabbed her inappropriately in a bar with your fists of fury.

Second, it brainwashes you into thinking that she’s the most important thing in your life, because, well, she is.

If you’ve internalized step one from the introduction’s re-education section, you should have no problem putting that pussy on the pedestal. I just have one word of warning: don’t think about sex. Smack your dick with your strong hand if you catch yourself getting a boner while she’s in your thoughts. Another way to kill your boner is the age-old trick of thinking about baseball, the most boring sport in the world after ice curling.

There are five smaller beliefs you should adopt that will make it easier to put pussy on the pedestal. They all sharpen your internal game to get you ready for maximum complimenting and cuddling. Say each to yourself 100

times per day. If you want, say them at rapid-fire speed to create a mild panic attack.

“I may never get laid again!” Believing you may never get laid again 7

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gives you a desperate vibe that girls love. They want men who they know need them, not just for sex but social interaction as well. Pretend a horrible zombie plague has left you as the last human being alive and there is no woman you could have sex with.

“Without validation from a woman, I am nothing!” I’m probably beating a dead horse here, but unless you’re approved by a woman, you’re a piece of lint that doesn’t even deserve to be in the company of chubby-but-still-healthy females around the world.

“Every girl hates me!” This is true in all likelihood, especially if you still have an aggressive edge you learned from those scamming game gurus.

Until you sharpen your compliment game, you won’t be able to nurture a strong connection with a woman. This will be easy for you to do once you’ve read the compliment database that I describe in the next chapter, which I call Compliments and Useful Nice Terms, or CUNT for short.

“My dick is too small!” I understand that not everyone can have a girthy dick with hair coming up the shaft like yours truly, so it’s best to constantly worry about if you can satisfy her in bed when the time comes. You’ll have plenty of time to ruminate on your dick size for the several months (or years) it will take for the object of your affections to actually see your reproductive device.

“I must stop thinking about sex!” If you think about sex too much, a girl will be able to see it in your eyes. She’ll label you a creeper and choose to cuddle with someone else instead. The Mormons have published countless volumes to help you stop thinking about sex or masturbation. In particular, I’m thinking about their booklet Steps In Overcoming Masturbation. It contains several nuggets of gold such as: “When the temptation to mastur-bate is strong, yell STOP to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind and then recite a pre-chosen Scripture or sing an inspirational hymn. It is important to turn your thoughts away from the selfish need to indulge.”

Another fine example: “In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken. This can also be accomplished by wearing several layers of clothing which would be difficult to remove while 8

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half asleep.”

The bottom line is don’t let your little penis be the boss of you. Let your heart be the boss of you.

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EARLY GAME

Now we’re going to get into some tactics that will put you in position to hit your girl with compliments and cuddles. While internal game discussed the optimal mindset, early game will talk about direct actions to execute in the company of the opposite sex.

Rejection Is Stupid And Awful

Rejection is the toughest part of the human experience that burns like horseradish. Suffering through it—and yes, it is true suffering—is unnecessary and only makes you conclude that you’re not everything to every woman. Why confront that ridiculous reality? It’s no surprise that accepting rejection is a prime strategy that stupid game guys use to sleep with a lot of women.

I don’t want you to go through hundreds of rejections like I did, which eventually led to loveless sex, because it will cause you to see the world as dark and shallow instead of wonderful and rosy. Understand: girls want men who see the world in those latter terms. They want men who think of flowers and tasty flavors of artisanal ice cream, not one who ruminates about death, pain, and casual date rape.

Game guys experience rejection mostly in the form of approaches, where they walk up to a girl they don’t even know and try to have a conversation 10

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with them. What’s the best that can happen from that? A number? A sloppy makeup session? Sex with no emotion behind it? You can’t build anything of substance through so-called approaches, which is a tool—let’s be honest now—for creeps who have the mentality of hyenas, offending and scaring girls left and right. It’s called “cold” approaching for a reason (because it’s cold, the opposite of warm or hot). Instead, I want you to maintain a safe ten-foot radius from women at all times so they don’t feel threatened by your presence.

Instead of having a multitude of venues where you try to approach women, we’re going to meet them using the big three: church, work, and social circle. At church, I recommend you focus on bible study groups, since that’s where you can meet girls who share your innermost values. At work, the girl is already going to be comfortable with you, since you see her daily. And finally, social circle is great since you don’t need to put yourself dangerously out there by approaching.

There’s no risk in trying to cuddle with girls from the big three, unless she takes your advances wrong and you’re eventually disgraced at your church, fired from work, or ejected from your social circle and left godless, broke, or lonely. Since those negative outcomes shouldn’t happen more than 50% of the time if you follow my advice, it’s worth the risk because otherwise you’ll need to walk up to random girls with no prior introduction and try to get something going, which is every bit as hard as it sounds. It’s much preferred to risk personal ruin than to figure out the stupid cold approach business that is sure to crush your ego.

Another benefit of meeting girls through church, work, or social circle is that it ensures you don’t have to change your routine one bit to meet the future apple of your eye. Just keep doing what you’re doing and wait and wait until that special girl enters your life, as if placed there by god’s own hand.

The main idea is to only run C&C game in places where the girl can’t reject you outright. Definitely don’t try on the internet or in bars or clubs, though school is a possibility, especially if a girl sits next to you every day and has become accustomed to your timid presence. Imagine what a loser 11

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you’d be if you tried to chat with girls in venues that serve alcohol, a drug that guarantees she’ll do something she regrets. This probably will be shocking to you, but some game guys explicitly advise their followers to use the benefits of that horrible drug to advance their sex agendas. I don’t see how trying to sleep with a girl who has had more than one drink can be considered anything but rape.

Once you find your princess in one of the big three venues, all that’s left is to start a cute little chat.

Interview Her Like She’s A Celebrity

Pickup lines obviously don’t work. I remember when I once paid $5 for the following line: “If I was a bear, would you be my honey?” The guy on the internet who sold it to me guaranteed girls would love it, but the responses I got were laughter, and I don’t mean the “laughing with you”

kind. I was mocked as if I was the biggest retard in the world, and so humiliated that I couldn’t talk to women again for a year.

We’re going to use something natural and honest, with zero chance of being rejected or laughed at. All you have to do is wait for the absolute perfect moment in your church, work, or social circle when you’re in her vicinity due to natural means. For example, if you’re in the cafeteria at work waiting behind her to get a cup of coffee, paired with her at church to contemplate whether animals go to heaven, or sitting on the same couch at a party thrown by mutual friends, you can hit her with your opening statement.

Bow your head ever-so-slightly when you start speaking to show reverence to her supremeness (the Japanese got it right on that one!).

Here’s your opening statement: “Hi, what’s your name?” That’s it! Just ask her name! When she responds, say, “Great to meet you!” Please note the exclamation point and realize that girls want to know that you're genuinely excited about them. Right then and there she’ll take you for a gentle puppy dog looking for honest friendship.

As for having a conversation, forget about memorizing stupid routines or 12

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“conversational threads.” Routines are especially evil because you’re telling her something you know will get a positive response. That’s so fake and wrong. Do you think she’d ever dare to repeat a move that has increased her power over men in the past? Well, if she would, she’d be guilty of manipula-tion, but I estimate only 1% of women commit such trickery. It’s men who tell adventure stories, humorous anecdotes, or cocky lines as part of their game of deceit. Assholes.

There’s no need to understand the dynamics of good conversation or even how to maintain rapport. There’s no need to memorize the aforementioned evil tactics. All you have to do is pretend she’s famous and ask a shitload of questions that make her feel special. Lavish praise on her to blow her head up and make her feel as if she’s the only girl in the world (like the Rihanna song). After all, she’s the one who deserves the spotlight, not you. Here’s an example of a stellar conversation to serve as a guide:

“Hi, what’s your name?”

“Stacy,” she says.

“Great to meet you!”

“Uh, likewise.”

“So, where do you live?”

“Arlington.”

“Oh, cool! What do you do?”

“Um, I work in human resources.”

“That sounds so exciting! I’ve always wanted to work in a human resources department! What company do you work for?”

“I don’t mean to be rude, but why are you asking me all these questions?”

“You seem interesting. I just want to get to know you!” (Put on your best puppy dog face so she’ll know you’re sincere.)

“Oh, okay. Well, I work for a pharmaceutical company.”

“Is it fun to work there? I’m sure it’s a blast!”

“Yeah, it’s okay.”

You get the idea. If you put her pussy on the pedestal and really believe that she’s a better human being than you, this type of conversation will become as automatic as the sunrise. Notice how her last statement (“Yeah, 13

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it’s okay”) hints that she’s beginning to feel like a celebrity. This means you’re accomplishing your task and within an hour or so, she’ll probably ask your name. Congratulations, you now got your foot barely squeezed in the door.

You’ll find it easy to focus exclusively on her because most women are more fascinating than the average man. As a gender they have successfully dedicated their lives to the pursuit of interesting things, and I’m not just talking about her surprising interest in the World Cup every four years or her encyclopedic knowledge of reality television. By the time you meet your queen, she already will have worked at an environmental non-profit, studied abroad in a poor Central American country, practiced yoga, dabbled in veganism, completed a marathon in under nine hours, and strongly supported gentrification to push out lazy black people from the hipper parts of a cosmopolitan city. You can’t compete with that, so don’t even try. Instead, drink from the goblet of her extensive life experience. Gain from it and make her feel like the celebrity that she rightfully deserves to be.

The Optimal Groveling Vibe

Even if you successfully treat her like a celebrity, there will be a point where you simply run out of questions. You’ll then need additional tactics to keep the interaction going in a way that continues to make her feel elevated in stature. Here are a few strategies that work well: Indulge and glorify her to eternity. Always be fascinated with everything she’s doing. This means you must make it seem like she has accomplished incredible feats, even if in reality they’re less significant than a fleck of dust landing on your arm. Dig in as far as you can on her most mundane tasks, like renewing her driver’s license, doing laundry, parking an automobile, or contributing a dollar to a homeless man who made a surprisingly funny joke. In the first example, you can ask if the line was long, if anyone was mean to her, and how it’s possible for any girl to appear as cute as she does in her license photo. Dissect everything she does, 14

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blowing her head up to such an extent that in the future she’ll need to walk sideways through any doorway.

Never upstage her. Let’s say you make a difference in the local commu-nity by volunteering at a soup kitchen on weeknights while she’s glued to Bravo. You may think of mentioning your good deed as a way to show her you’re a worthwhile man, but first ask yourself how she’s going to feel by knowing you’re doing something for the betterment of humankind. Telling her would sound like bragging, and girls don’t like bragging. Therefore, she should never know that you volunteer or in any other way positively contribute more to the world than she does. Instead, tell her that you also watch television on weeknights, but on a lesser channel like TLC or Oxygen.

Always hide information that may question her “accomplishments.” For example, let’s say you’re proficient in Spanish. It turns out she studied Spanish for six months while in Peru, but has so much trouble stringing simple sentences together that it seems as if she hadn’t studied Spanish at all (although she did mention spending “a lot” of time with the local Peruvian guys in some sort of vague cultural exchange program). When she embar-rasses you in a neighborhood El Salvadorian bakery by speaking in decrepit Spanish, bite your lip by not correcting her or speaking properly. It’s better to absorb her stupidity or laziness like a bathroom rug than to question it.

Quantity is better than quality. The key to building a friendship with a girl is to understand that it’s okay to spend endless hours with her without anything actually happening. You may recognize this technique as putting in

“face time” at the office. The key is to make her so comfortable and bored around you that she can’t help but tell you personal things like how other suitors aren’t treating her as well as you do. Even reading a book with her in silence for two hours is an act she’ll appreciate.

Don’t be too curious about your environment. The more experienced and worldly you are, the more interesting things you’ll have to say. While that’s great when you’re around your family or male buddies, it’s disastrous around a female because you’ll unknowingly squeeze her out of the conversation, upstaging her and making her feel bad. When you’re cultivat-ing a new friendship with a girl, be especially uncurious and immune to the 15

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world around you. You may even consider not following the news, though you can feel free to read celebrity gossip, since girls love talking about that shit. Imagine her excitement when she discovers that she can discuss Lindsey Lohan or Kim Kardashian with you just like she could with a female friend.

The best way I can sum up the optimal vibe you should be adopting is this: grovel and glorify. Are you groveling in her presence? Are you glorifying her? Then you’re on the right track. All that’s left now is to compliment.

Compliments and Useful Nice Terms (CUNT) The grovel and glorify strategy is something that a lot of guys already know how to do, but most don’t know how to compliment, which is the main way to set yourself apart in order to proceed to intimacy no longer than ten years after you first meet her. Here are the top nine compliments to use on women:

“You look great! Did you do something to your hair?” It doesn’t matter if she has a butch cut or obviously hasn’t washed her hair in several days. Since a girl’s hair is a significant source of her feminine power, complimenting it will make her happy.

“Where did you get that outfit from? It’s very stylish!” Whether she bought it from the Gap, Old Navy, or Dress Barn is trivial—just make sure you don’t use the term “sexy.” That could be considered sexual harassment and get you into big trouble with authority figures.

“Your eyes are really standing out today! Are they usually so bright and beautiful?” Even if she’s hungover and looks like something the dog dragged in, compliment her beauty, particularly her eyes, which many famous compliment and cuddlers like Tobey Maguire and Keanu Reeves consider the windows to the soul.

“Any guy would be lucky to date a girl like you!” This is a indirect way to hint that you want to date her, but it’s so subtle that she won’t even 16

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pick up on it, so there’s no need to fear an impending rejection by using it.

“Your fingers are so slender! Do you play the piano?” Use this compliment even if her fingers are short and stumpy like breakfast sausages. It insinuates that she has skills beyond sending more than 200 text messages a day.

“The report you did is the best I’ve ever read. Have you thought about writing a book?” Even though the only book she’d be qualified to write would be “How Not to Accomplish Anything After College Besides Making Money,” imply the opposite.

“You’re a great conversationalist, much better than my guy friends.

Have you considered going into public speaking?” It doesn’t matter if her speech is only 10% actual content and 90% filler words such as “like” and

“you know.” You’re groveling and glorifying, not evaluating and exasperat-ing.

“I’ll be honest. I feel a little intimidated by your intelligence. You must use more than 3% of your brain that a mere mortal like myself uses.” I should have put this at the top of the list because it’s very unlikely that anyone has ever praised her intelligence before. They’ll be tons of loser guys making remarks on “that ass” or her ability in the bedroom, but no one has ever cherished the organ that makes her the true snowflake she is.

“Where did you learn to be so charming? I wish I could be as charming as you!” Even though charm died in Western women on August 18, 1920, you want her to think she’s reviving the feminine grace of yore. You’ll soon become the recipient of all those bland jokes she let die in her head without telling a soul, which can be the source of endless future compliments.

A good opportunity to compliment is when a girl asks for an opinion on something. The most obvious example is when she asks whether she looks fat in a certain dress. Since you’ll be asked that question many times in the course of your life, it’s best to practice your answer in front of a mirror every week. The goal is to say, “No way, you look great!” at the exact millisecond she’s done asking. Any hesitation on your part will make her think you’re lying and that she needs to lose a few pounds by cutting back on all the 17

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goddamn food she eats every day. You don’t want her to change, even for the better, just to fulfill your selfish desire to be with a presentable girl.

On average, you should be hitting her with one compliment every fifteen minutes. After using all nine of my suggestions, just follow the general pattern and you’ll be fine.

I’d like to close this chapter by sharing some Useful Nice Terms to pepper your conversation with. Pretend it’s like a video game where the more nice terms you use, the more points you get. Here are my favorite terms, which will each earn you five points with every use: wonderful, peachy, fabulous, tremendous, super-duper, wicked, unreal, swell, stupendous, cool, and really cool. After about a million points, you’d better be ready for some serious cuddling!

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IV

MIDDLE GAME

If your grovel and glorify game is tight, it’ll be easy to arrange for an innocent hang-out (without alcohol, of course). Always have a safe activity in the back of your head that you can invite a girl to after you’ve interacted with her for about ten hours. Acceptable options are ice cream, movie, coffee shop, or ultimate Frisbee. The best way to ask is through the following template:

“I don’t know if you’re busy this Saturday afternoon, and it’s really okay if you are, but I was wondering if it’s possible that maybe you’d be sort of interested in going with me to __________. You don’t have to if you don’t want to. Really, it’s okay.” Then bow your head slightly, as if submitting to her awesome power.

How can a girl say no when you ask like that? If she does say no, it’s probably because she’s busy with the various hobbies that make up her fascinating life and not because she doesn’t want to hang out with an accomplished groveler like yourself.

The bottom line is not to make it seem like you’re asking her out. She should be able to conclude without a reasonable doubt that you won’t try to kiss her or touch her like a creep at the end of any future date. Think of them as “shared functions” that are completely safe and devoid of any potential for human sexuality.

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Calling Her For The First Time

Once she agrees to going on a shared function with you, it’s time to get her phone number. Simply ask, “May I please have your phone number?”

When it’s time to save it to your cell phone, fumble the entry and make a remark about how you don’t normally save numbers. This ensures she won’t think you’re a male slut who is experienced with a lot of women.

Call her in a couple days before the function. Girls don’t answer their phones these days because of how busy they are, so you’re going to leave a message. Here is your voicemail template: “Hey, Stacy, it’s Roosh from church, the guy you talked to on Wednesday around three o’clock for about one hour on the left side of the main room behind the third row of chairs, remember? Anyway, I was hoping you’d still like to catch a movie. If you can call me back, my number is (301) 555-1234. If you’re busy and can’t call me back, that’s fine. I’ll try again in a couple days.”

Do you see how easy you make it for her with that message? What she’ll do is save your number in her phone and then not call you back, hoping you’ll be a man and call her again in a couple days like you said you would.

She’ll probably answer your second call, but if not, just repeat the process of leaving messages and calling back until you wear her down.

When she finally answers say, “Hey, it’s Roosh. I hope I’m not bothering you. Is it a good time to chat because I can always call back at your next earliest convenience.” If she’s not watching television, she’ll be free to talk.

Have written notes ready on things you can talk about before making the call. Here are some sample notes from a recent phone call I made:

—weather sure is crazy lately

—obsessing thinking about the great convo we had

—just bought a new t-shirt from Urban Outfitters

—becoming a huge fan of turkey hot dogs.

By making notes, you won’t run out of discussion topics. After about twenty minutes of borderline inane chatter, you’ll finally be ready to lock and load plans on your friendly meeting.

Don’t use text messaging to make first contact because it’s rude and 20

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shows that you really don’t care. It’d be like calling a dear friend to wish him Happy New Year’s after one in the morning instead of at 12:01 on the dot.

Don’t be lazy about putting in that extra effort. On the other hand, text messaging has its uses when you want to confirm an event. The key is to use lots of exclamation points and smiley faces in every message. For example,

“8pm sounds good!! :)))” or “I can’t wait!!!!!!!!! :P :P ;)” are excellent text messages to send.

Advanced Groveling

It’s time to hit you with additional strategies to help you make it through a shared function, during which the girl will become more comfortable with you than ever before. They water the seeds of friendship so that in the next couple of months you can go for cuddling.

Befriend and be nice. Everything you do should be on friendly terms—

so friendly that she suspects you’re in need of subdermal testosterone supplements. You don’t want her to think you’re an aggressive brute who may make her feel uncomfortable in the bedroom by trying to put your penis inside her. Instead, be as gentle as a toddler after his afternoon nap.

Definitely don’t get into any heated arguments, don’t share your honest opinions if they’re much different than hers, and don’t let her lift a finger while she’s in your presence.

Supplicate and spend. To supplicate means to bow down to a woman’s needs. It’s the only way you can show her that you’re a compliant man capable of giving her happiness. Let her determine all the details of your shared activities by handing the decision-making process to her on a silver platter. A proper supplication vibe is amplified by spending money. Let’s be honest: no girl wants to cuddle with an unaccomplished writer hack who lives in his dad’s basement. Instead, they want a successful man with a solid job and fair collection of middle-class possessions, a sign that she can financially depend on him in the future.

There are two ways to let her know of your provider status. The first is to 21

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name-drop the possessions you own, such as your plasma television with thirteen-speaker sound system, technology that poor men can’t afford. The second is to adopt the mindset of “Whatever she wants, I shall abide by providing it like the real man that I am.” On your shared function outings, get a feel for her consumer preferences—whether it’s a customized latte with five laborious modifications or a cool trinket sold by a street vendor who can barely speak English—and then purchase the fuck out of it. Beam with pride while giving her the item, as if you’re a prince handing his princess a royal present. Her smile will show that she appreciates your efforts, and you can start fantasizing about a future cuddle session that will surely blow her away.

Worry and wonder. There’s always something better you could be doing to please her. In fact, I guarantee there are at least a dozen things you’re doing wrong, and only with obsessive worrying can you discover what those things are. Here are some questions to ask yourself when you’re out with the girl:

—Is something wrong?

—Is she mad at me for some reason?

—Does she like another guy more than me?

—Will she ever see me for the man I really am?

—Was she not impressed with my Bose sound system?

—No, really, is something wrong?

Put yourself in her shoes and then assume the worst, that yes there is something wrong, and then be quick on the draw with an apology. Here are several examples:

—I’m sorry if the coffee isn’t as sweet as you like.

—I’m sorry I was three minutes late.

—I’m sorry you’re not having a good time.

You can make things even better by executing the following strategy:

Ask and accommodate. What does she want right now? Would she prefer to do something else? If she could do anything, money being no object, what would it be? The answers to these important questions, which you should constantly ask her, will give you a blueprint to her happiness.

There are many foolish men out there who never bother to ask a woman 22

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what she wants, selfishly demanding that she please him and give him happiness. That’s barbaric! Only by probing her to the point of annoyance will you know what she really wants, and once you find that out, give it to her.

Be as accommodating as possible (at sacrifice to yourself if necessary) to strengthen the bond you have with her. If you ask and accommodate, not only will she respect you more, but she’ll never take advantage of your kindness by metaphorically stomping on you with a sharp boot heel. This mindset will lead to a level of patience that would even impress Job. Let her take as long as she wants to decide what she wants to do with you, if anything.

Deeper Conversational Technique

Once you get the hang of the compliment and grovel strategy, the potential still exists for long silences during extended meet-ups. To avoid that, here are two topics of conversation that are safe and useful in every type of situation: family and work.

Talking incessantly about your family lets her know that you also want to have a family. You should especially stress how important your mom is in your life (don’t be afraid of insinuating that you’re a momma’s boy). She’ll know that your strong maternal love could easily translate to love for her when the time is right. To assure her that she won’t have future competition, feel free to insinuate that your ‘dream girl” can push your mom out of the picture like a dermatologist freezing off a stubborn wart.

Tell her how your little cousins, nieces, or nephews are growing up like magical beanstalks and that you truly love being a part of their lives. This gently implies that you want to be a father someday. Since all women want to be loving mothers, putting aside their mindless cubicle jobs to do so, this technique reinforces that you’re ready to put down roots into the Earth and settle down.

Work is also a great topic because it hammers into her brain that you 23

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make enough money to support her. The best way to set your financial stability apart from the millions of others guys is to go on and on about your cool IT or engineering job, even going into the details of specific networking projects or logistical hurdles your technical transfer team had to overcome.

Trust me when I say that she’ll feel lucky that she has finally met someone who makes a real income, unlike all the other hairy losers camping out in Starbucks for five hours after purchasing an Earl Grey tea and cheese bagel.

There will still be times when you’ll run out of family or work chat.

When that happens, you’ll have to fall back on asking intriguing questions that stimulate her mind. Here are five questions I use with great success:

“What is your favorite ________?” Fill in the blank with color, food, pet, ice cream flavor, or office supply store. Keep it fun and weird.

“Where is the weirdest place you’ve fallen in love?” Maybe it was at work, a neighborhood block party, or a circus. You’ll probably be surprised at the answer!

“If you could be any beautiful flower in the world, which would you be?” Agree with whatever answer she gives. Then tilt your head sideways about twenty degrees, smile, and say, “You know what? I kind of do see you as that flower, now that you mention it.”

“If you could write your own teen paranormal romance novel, what would you call it?” It’s a fact that girls love paranormal romances, so this question will get her talking about all her favorite books, which you can then find in the ten-cent pile at the local library.

“How badly do you want to save the Earth from environmental destruction?” I’ve never met a girl who didn’t want to save the environment. Sure, her carbon usage may be among the highest in the world thanks to owning a car and flying on jets, but it’s the little things she does like recycling Vitamin Water bottles and not using plastic bags that will delay the inevitable collapse of the human species by a full nanosecond.

After you’ve been on a dozen or so shared functions where the two of you become great chums, thanks in part to your fun questioning, it’s time to take things to the next level and get her out on a real date.

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Your First Real Date

Even though I call this a real “date,” it’s not a word that you’ll use with her. Remember: you don’t want her to think you actually like her as more than a friend, so anything that makes her feel like you’re trying to escalate the friendship will turn her off and eliminate any future chance of cuddling.

Therefore you’re going to use a little trick to get her out on a date—without her even realizing that it’s an “official” event that you’ll eagerly log into your Moleskine diary.

The only venue a man should take a proper woman to is a restaurant. It’s no accident that the act of feeding hits all her provider buttons (something that will help you down the line when eventually asking for her hand in marriage). The first thing to do is to comb the food section of your local newspaper for the newest, hottest restaurants in town. It has to be expensive for her to be impressed (if you don’t have the money and must charge it on your credit card, use one with cash back rewards for extra savings). At one of your shared functions, say, “Hey I just heard about a new restaurant in town. Do you want to check it out? My treat.” She’ll say yes, especially when she realizes she won’t have to pay. Trust me.

If she puts up a fake protest that she doesn’t want you to be spending that kind of money, just tell her you got a fat promotion at work and can definitely afford it. It’s like hitting two birds with one stone: not only do you impress her with the dinner, but you also hint at your robust income. Don’t be shy to drop a comment like, “I’m making more money than I really need—I can’t wait to share this with someone special in my life.”

There are two ways to prepare for your first official date. First, dress real classy by suiting up, and don’t forget the pocket square (if she asks why you’re all dressed up, say you didn’t get a chance to change after work). She won’t be able to avoid looking at your fine threads which only a proper job could buy. Second, bring some sort of gift. Nothing can top the majesty of a single red rose or a Whitman’s Sampler from the local drugstore. What you’re essentially doing is beginning the process of sweeping her off her feet.

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Start the date with the big touching move: your hand on her shoulder for one full second. This should be the first time you’ll have touched her during your friendship, which I estimate will be at least three months strong by this point.

After you’re both seated, don’t be forceful when it’s time to order. Hem and haw a bit to fish out her food preferences so you can order something that is similar to her dish. Don’t tell her what she should eat, and under no circumstance should you order for her. Or you can just memorize the following line: “I’ll have what she’s having.” It’s especially useful when ordering wine. Avoid hard liquors, and definitely avoid beer, which would clash with your Macy’s suit and hint at a proletariat background. I suggest having no more than one glass of wine because the last thing you want to do is get intoxicated and let your ancestral masculine essence shine through.

The conversation during dinner should be jovial. Reminisce about past outings, like the time you ran into the thorn bush during a flag football game or when a goat bit your finger at the petting zoo. Avoid touching her feet under the table because after the big shoulder touch from earlier, you’ll need at least a one-week cooling off period before you touch again with your hands or feet.

When the check comes, put your credit card in the check presenter without looking at the bill. This lets her know you’re not cheap and will be able to buy her more things in the future. Finally, when it’s time to part ways, give her a quick peck on the cheek. I know this is a terribly bold move and you’ll be nervous about it, but it’s also friendly and shouldn’t make her think you’re interested in her sexually. If all goes well, she’ll say, “Thank you for dinner,” though if she forgets it’s no big deal.

If you’re like me, you’ll probably be so happy from the dinner outing and little kiss that you’ll have extra spring in your step on the lonely walk home.

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After five dinner outings and approximately $750 in expenses, it’s time to go for the glory: cuddling. You’ve finally arrived at modern seduction’s ultimate moment.

Cuddling

During your dinner dates, you will have treated her to the finest estab-lishments in town, transporting her in your environmentally friendly automobile. When you drop her home on that fifth date, where you drank two glasses of her favorite French wine instead of the usual one, look her deep in the eyes, deeper than you ever thought was possible, and say, “May I come in, please?” Then immediately morph into your puppy dog face so she knows you’re harmless and not some serial rapist who puts in many months of work and investment to commit a horrendous crime, which according to the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network, affects 250,000 women every year. The sad thing is I’m pretty sure they’re underestimating those figures.

Constrain your delight when she says, “Yeah, I guess you can come in, but no funny business, okay?”

While in her apartment, take off your shoes and get comfortable on the couch. The moment is now ripe to divulge your tree feelings for her, which is the safest way to take the relationship to the next level. Otherwise, any 27

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move you make will have the potential for a razor sharp rejection.

Hold her hand and say, “You probably already know this, but I have deep feelings for you. You’re one of the most special girls I’ve met in my life and I just want you to know how I feel.” A typical response will be, “Okay, well, I just want to be friends.” She’ll have trouble maintaining eye contact, probably because she shares some of the same feelings but isn’t as assertive as you are about disclosing them. Then say, “That’s fine with me. Friendship alone with you is better than nothing at all. I’m very happy.”

She’ll seem underwhelmed, but rest assured that her insides have been ravished by your declaration. In the upcoming weeks, she’ll see you not just as a Frisbee and dinner buddy, but as a man who is capable of giving her the comfortable future that she deserves. More immediately, your declaration will set the stage for innocent cuddling.

Yawn, then say, “Oh, boy! Is it okay if I take a nap here? I had a lot to drink and I don’t want to drive drunk and kill someone in an awful car crash.” This won’t be a lie, because she’ll know that you had double what you normally drink. She’ll reluctantly allow you to stay, and this is where you hope and pray and wish that she lets you lay on her bed. If not, you’ll have to take her out to another dinner before trying again.

If she says her bed is big enough for you to crash there, keep things safe by hopping in with all your clothes on, including your socks. After about twenty minutes, give her a gentle poke in the arm to make sure she’s sleeping. Then, slowly and gently, wrap your arms around her and embrace her as she slumbers. Feel her wonderful warmth against your plaid shirt and skinny jeans.

Resist getting an erection, because she may wake up and call the national rape hotline. If she does wake up and angrily asks why you’re holding her (maybe reiterating that she only likes you as a friend), act surprised and say you must have had a pleasant dream. Now this is where your fanciful dinners come into play. If you went all out and spent those stacks of cash like I told you, she’ll feel indebted to letting you hold onto her like a child holding onto its mother. She may even respond by touching you back, which gives you a green light for the holiest of all cuddles: the spoon.

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Unfortunately, spooning can be dangerous, because your crotch will be close to her vagina, so you must think about every game of the most recent World Series to prevent getting a massive boner. On the bright side, the spoon will water the seed of love. Don’t be alarmed if she completely dominates your every waking thought from that point forward.

You’ll probably notice a change in her demeanor the next morning. She’ll be more loving, offering to make you a meal of cereal, banana, and if you’re lucky, instant coffee. Assuming you didn’t get an inappropriate boner, the cuddle session will make her realize what a safe and trustworthy man you really are. She’ll then increase the level of detail about dates she goes on with jerks and how positively you compare to them. Some of her stories may make you uncomfortable, especially when those jerks “spend the night,” but don’t lose hope—every girl has to let a few dozen jerks spend the night before she finally realizes that you are the one. Keep hope alive!

As a man who has had sex with a lot of different women, let me be the first to say how underrated cuddling with zero chance of sex is, especially when love is involved. If your cuddle sessions begin to happen less frequently, just intensify your worry and wonder meditations. It’s bound to be because you’re doing something wrong, and it’s up to you to fix it.

Sex without love is like eating food when you’re not hungry—you simply can’t appreciate it on a profound level. That leads to a final strategy I want to share with you: fall fast and furious. The faster you love her, the more likely she’ll return that love half-fold at some indeterminable point in the distant future.

Sex And More

After your cuddle partner is done getting her vagina treated like a glory hole by other so-called “men,” and the first of many deep wrinkles begin to appear around her eyes, she’ll miraculously realize that you’re her true soul mate. You’ll know because she’ll finally give you a peck on the lips, which means it’s time for you to man up by suggesting a romantic getaway to a 29

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Caribbean island where you can then enjoy prolonged kisses.

You may be wondering how long it will take until she realizes that you’re better than the dozens of jerks she’s known. The best rule of thumb is when her skin starts to lose elasticity from the natural aging process. Wrinkles are definitely part of that, but I find a better indicator to be a loosening of the skin around her upper arms and thighs. When you start seeing blobs of tissue, get ready, because she’ll soon see you for who you really are and start stepping up her game to win your favor.

The younger and more attractive she is, the longer it will take for her to come around. If she’s already halfway degraded, it will of course take significantly less time. This is why it may be better for you to go for cuddle sessions with women who are already beginning to lose hope of ever settling down. Going from a hot 23-year-old to a 33-year-old spinster is like going from competing in the Olympics to the Special Olympics. On page 32 is an illustration that gives you a sense of the timeline I’m talking about: Sex is a foregone conclusion if you pony up for the Caribbean vacation.

There’s nothing more conducive to lovemaking than the romantic mood created by spending a lot of money, but to make sure you never offend her, wait until she explicitly asks you for sex. The worst thing you can do is pseudo-rape her by playing games like “just the tip” or feeding her multiple alcoholic beverages in the hope of getting her horny. Don’t place her hand on your penis, don’t touch her vagina, and definitely don’t squeeze her breasts. The line between consensual sex and rape is so fine that unless the girl initiates sex, you’re committing rape.

Studies by honest feminist organizations reveal that 40% of men in the United States have raped a girl (even if they didn’t realize it), but only 0.005% have ever been prosecuted. There’s a lot of raping going on out there, and it’s your duty not to contribute to that statistic. A good rule of thumb is the following: if you’re not sure if it’s rape or not, it’s rape. You should stop, drop, and rest, then allow her to initiate the Consensual Sex Transaction Operational Protocol (cSTOP), which you can obtain from the women’s studies department of any major university.

I find that the first time you have sex with a girl will coincide with a 30

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strong urge on your part to ask her hand in marriage. I mean, why wait?

She’ll probably hint to it anyway by reading bridal magazines in your presence. That should be your clue to go to Tiffany’s and drop at least five months’ salary on buying something that will impress all her friends and make her feel like a real woman. Only propose if you’re sure she sees you as a man worthy of a lifetime of control and contempt or else she won’t accept.

All that’s left is to enjoy your beautiful family.

In this guide I’ve walked you from points A to Z on how to maybe someday make love to a woman in a way that has real emotional meaning. I understand that it takes time to see results from this strategy, which is why I’m not expecting to see any success stories in my email inbox for at least two or three years. But when they finally arrive, I won’t be at all surprised if I’m invited to a few weddings. By then I’ll have released a sequel to help you navigate through the wonders of marriage, tentatively titled Mope & Masturbate.

Good luck, and god bless.

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For more tips on picking up women for real, visit my web site: http://www.rooshv.com